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Help for supporters
Listening - some thoughts
 When I ask you to listen to me – and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me – and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do – just hear me. Advice is cheap. I can do for myself – I am not helpless. Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what is behind this irrational feeling. And when that is clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what is behind them.
So, please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I will listen to you.
The ten commandments of good listening
1. Stop talking. You cannot listen if you are talking.
2. Put the talker at ease. Help the talker feel that she or he is free to talk.
3. Show the talker that you want to listen. Look and act interested. Do not read your mail while she or he talks.
4. Remove distractions. Don't doodle, tap or shuffle papers.
5. Empathize with the talker. Try to put yourself in the talker's place so you can see their point of view.
6. Be patient. Allow plenty of time. Do not interrupt.
7. Hold your temper. When we are angry we may misunderstand the message and get the wrong meaning or jump to a wrong conclusion.
8. Go easy on criticism. This puts the talker on the defensive. Do not argue: even if you win, you lose.
9. Ask questions. This encourages the talker and shows you are listening. Open questions are helpful.
10. Stop talking. This is first and last, because all of the other commandments depend on it.
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