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Dealing with relationships
Survivors often experience difficulty forming and sustaining relationships. As children they were betrayed by the very people who should have cared for them. Rebuilding trust, learning how to relate in constructive ways and exploring touch and intimacy are all crucial aspects of recovering from the effects of childhood trauma.
Physical Touch
 Physical touch is a powerful determinant in relationships, e.g. if a man always touches a woman in a sexually suggestive way, the woman may not want to be touched and may withdraw.
All touch is not the same - some touch brings more pleasure or expresses love better than others. You need to find out what sort of touch is appropriate for a particular person i.e. which part of the body or how strong/gentle the touch. Learn to speak his/her ‘touch’ dialect.
The body is for touching - to touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me.
When a person is not touched for long periods of time, he/she will feel starved for love and touch. He/she may yearn for someone to reach out and touch them physically.
If a person is comfortable to be touched you can reach out and touch him/her by - running your hands through his/her hair, giving his/her back, foot, neck and shoulders a rub, holding hands
Embracing/hugging etc. can be the emotional lifelines of the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language.
How do I experience 'quality time' with my spouse/friend/child?
Sharing good times together is important in any relationship. Quality time means togetherness with attention focussed on one another, ie. doing something together. Quality activities include conversation: sympathetic dialogue and sharing each other’s experiences, and involve listening and 'hearing' one another.
When listening, try to maintain eye contact. Stop whatever you are doing and listen. Listen for the feelings underlying the statement, and observe the body language. Do not interrupt. Quality activities involve doing what the other person likes, not what you like.
How do I express 'words of affirmation' to my spouse/friend/child?
Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love. They are best expressed by affirmations such as: 'You look really great in that suit/dress/outfit – Wow!.' or 'Thanks for taking the garbage out Jane. It really helped me.' or ' 'Thanks for the great meal tonight. I want you to know I appreciate your good cooking.'
Giving verbal compliments is only one way to express words of affirmation. Encouraging words also help.
Kind words also communicate love.
Humble words - love makes requests, not demands.
Different expressions – write down words of affirmation from books, magazines, friends, etc. so you can learn and practise them.
Indirect words of affirmation also help - such as speaking well of your spouse/partner/friend when he/she isn’t around. Your friends or family will surely take it back to him/her.
Write a list of affirmations – such as: He takes the garbage out; He provides financially for our family; She is a great cook; She is a very caring Mum; She/He is a good manager of our finances; She always knows how to make the most of herself – she always looks great, etc.
Intimacy and sexuality
Many survivors have problems with intimacy and sexuality. As children, they were betrayed by those who were supposed to nurture and care for them. Being able to trust sufficiently to allow another person to get close can be difficult. Sharing thoughts, feelings and values, and well as sexual love, are ways of being intimate. Survivors often find it difficult to share who they are and what they have experienced, especially on a deep level. However, developing true intimacy is an important part of the recovery process.
For many survivors, especially those who have been sexually abused, ‘having sex’ equates with receiving love. Many have grown up with a distorted view of intimacy. Many have also developed sexual difficulties. Such issues benefit from seeing an empathic and insightful counsellor in a safe non-judgemental environment. Without help or addressing the underlying issues, many relationships involving survivors avoid true intimacy and end in divorce.
Recommended reading:
Penner, C. J. (1990), Counselling for Sexual Disorders. Pasadena, CA
Charlton, R. (1997), Treating Sexual Disorders. San Francisco: Jossey-Ross.
Healthy and committed marriages and relationships
In a healthy relationship:
Each person makes a commitment to meet the other’s emotional needs as far as possible.
Neither spouse/individual depends completely on the other for all of their emotional needs.
Each person has other people and activities to turn to, in a morally responsible manner, for emotional their needs to be met.
Each person tries to be honest about whether his or her needs are being met. They make a commitment to address any deficiencies as they arise.
Each person contributes to the intimacy within the relationship.
The two people share their views and beliefs, communicate them regularly and accept any differences that they might have.
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