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Grooming
Based in part on descriptions in: Parkinson, Patrick, Child Sexual Abuse and the Churches; 2003, Aquila, Australia, pp 59 - 62.
Grooming is the process by which an offender prepares a child for sexual activities. This method can be used by any offender - a mother, neighbour, friend, relative, school teacher, scout leader or close family friend or associate. The process is usually carefully planned, stage-managed, premeditated and can take weeks or even months to establish.
Step 1: Builds Trust:
Gains access, without attracting suspicion, using presents, special attention, treats, spending time together, special privileges, sweet talk and playing games with non-sexual physical contact.
Step 2: Favouritism:
The child is treated differently, and made a unique friend and confidante. The offender treats the child as an adult. (Most children would readily respond to this sort of treatment).
Step 3: Gaining the trust of the child's carers:
The perpetrator is careful to be ‘seen' as a close, caring and reliable relative or friend of the family. This is important if the offender is to gain access.
Step 4: Isolation:
from mother - because she is a confidante, intimate friend, potential ally, or potential sex partner.
from siblings - because of the gifts, special favours, privileges the child receives.
from friends - offender dominates his/her free time, and the child becomes lonely with few friends.
Step 5: Intimidation and secrecy:
The offender begins to use coercion eg. threatening looks and body language, glares, stalking and rules of secrecy. This is where the 'love/fear' relationship begins. The offender also fosters a negative reputation for the child by telling lies, so that others will see the child as untrustworthy and believe that the child is the real problem. Then the offender will tell the victim lies about the rest of the family so the child won't trust them, thus isolating the child more.
Offenders usually put a great deal of effort into ensuring that a child remains silent. Apart form promises, threats and bribes, offenders usually take advantage of a child’s powerlessness by presenting a distorted view of what is happening. Some of the ways offenders trick children into secrecy include convincing a child that:
 They are somehow responsible for the abuse
No-one will believe them if they tell
Others will blame them for the abuse
They will be punished and not the abuser
They will be to blame if the offender goes to jail
They will be to blame if the family breaks up
They will be to blame iof others in the family are upset
They’re bad
He/she will not love them or look after them anymore
They will not be special any more.
Secrecy is maintained and the manipulation and tricks divide and isolate the child from others, protecting the abuser and ensuring easier physical access to the child. The child believes he/she is to blame and yet he/she feels powerless to change what is happening. The confusion and mistrust is reinforced when the child is told he/she is special. The child is intimidated by the abuser’s threats, isolated by the tricks and coinfused by lies and promises – the end result is leaving the child isolated, disempowered, guilty with a sense of over-responsibility and protection of others.
Step 6: ‘Testing the waters' or boundary violations
Begins by 'testing the waters' with innocent touching, gradually developing into ‘accidental' contact of sexual organs. This may commence in infancy eg. bathing, dressing and toileting together, reading stories in bed while alone with the child, sex and 'dirty' talk. Intimacy increases.
The offender asks him/herself the question…
Q: 'Is it safe to proceed to more intimate acts?'
A: 'The child acted interested and didn't show any fear and was careful to keep the whole affair secret.'
Evaluation: The child has been ‘groomed' to become an ‘adult lover' or ‘sexual partner' instead of an remaining innocent child. The child feels very confused. 'The feelings of pleasure or of being special are usually mixed inextricably with feelings of guilt, shame, and even a sense of betrayal that the offender has abdicated his purely paternal role.'
Step 7: Shaping the child's perceptions:
The child is often confused as to what is acceptable and can take on self-blame for the situation, as his/her viewpoint can become totally distorted. 'Sexual abuse can go on for years in some families before a child realises that other adults don't behave in the same way.'
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