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Resolving conflict
Survivors often find it difficult to know how best to resolve conflicts. Here are a few tips:
 Don’t blame - blaming can start a defensive and argumentative cycle.
Don’t shame - shaming is emotional abuse and has no useful outcome.
Don’t dump - if you are angry, deal with your feeling first, rather than dumping them on to the other person.
Don’t dredge - as bringing up past issues can be counterproductive.
Do stick - to the issue at hand
Do focus - on the behaviour you are unhappy with, rather than the other person, eg. say: 'When you speak harshly to me in front of customers, I feel intimidated and embarrassed.'
Do listen - to the other person’s side of the argument, and try to understand it even if you don’t agree.
Do say - 'Are you saying then...' Be clear on what they are saying. Don’t be afraid that by listening to them, you are admitting that your view is wrong - it may just be different.
General tips
Acknowledge the relationship - say - 'I really respect you' or 'I love working with you but...'.
Refer to the action - 'When you speak harshly to me in front of all the customers...'.
Say how you feel - say - 'I feel embarrassed and intimidated'.
Say what you’d prefer in the future - 'I’d prefer you to speak to me privately, rather than in front of all the customers. Would you be willing to do that for me?'
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