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Surviving
Survivors often feel a deep sense of isolation in their adult life. If this is how you’re feeling, you are not alone.
In ASCA, we have learnt that we, as survivors, need to recognise, acknowledge and experience the feelings we have kept inside us, including our pain. This process involves refining many of the defence mechanisms that we have used over the years.
The time comes when we need to begin to accept the reality of what happened to us – that we were abused as children and that we were badly hurt as a result. We need to acknowledge that what was done to us was both bad and wrong. It was not our fault.
As children, we deserved to be cared for and protected. No child is ever responsible for being abused. Gradually we need to learn to let go of the self-blame and the resulting shame that was inappropriately imposed upon us.
Your courage as a child enabled you to survive. Your courage as an adult will see you through the process of recovery.
We need to go back and acknowledge our past trauma and with it the pain that we worked so hard to deny.
How can we be sure that this painful process will be worth it? Many of us seem to have managed reasonably well. After all we did survive and we have lived into adulthood, had children, gone to work and so forth. We have done what has been expected of us… but for survivors it is often not enough.
Whatever we have achieved has been affected by our trauma. Whatever we do is a function of our prior experience and if we haven’t dealt with the impact of our past, we will never be free of it.
For some there is no alternative. We are compelled to explore our pasts. Our lives have been so burdened with emotional pain, illness and depression, that happiness, love, peace and freedom have eluded us. We find it difficult to imagine ever reaching a state of well-being.
Studies show that the damage caused through childhood trauma can be addressed. No matter how extreme the abuse, survivors can and do find the strength to leave the legacy of their past behind.
The process is often long and difficult. However it is important to keep in mind that just as with a bad accident or physical illness, your body needs care, time and rest to regain its strength and vitality.
So it is with the process of recovering from the effects of childhood trauma. Not only your body but also your mind and soul need time, nurturing and support.
This journey is far from easy – one of grief, loss, crying and pain. In the process we have to acknowledge and mourn everything we have lost, everything that was stolen from us, everything we never had.
Many of us have spent years denying our feelings. Part of the process of healing involves uncovering those feelings, identifying them, acknowledging them and … feeling them.
Feeling them is not easy. Firstly we aren’t used to our feelings. We might not even recognise them. In addition they have been suppressed for so long that when they are released, they can be overwhelming. During this period, we need to muster as much support as we can. The grieving period cannot be sped up; it must be allowed to take its course. When you are feeling down and it all seems too hard - however lonely you are feeling - remember that you are not alone.
Thousands of people all over Australia, all over the world, have felt or are feeling as you do. ASCA is waiting to reach out to you, to accompany you on your journey. Please allow us to support you in whatever way we can. When we honestly ask ourselves which persons in our lives support us the most, we often find that it is those who, instead of offering advice or solutions, have chosen rather to listen, and be with us in our pain.
‘The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in our hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness – that is the friend who cares.’ Henri Nouwen. ‘Out of Solitude’ (excerpt) (1987)
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